


Twenty Steps

by Piglet (Rethira)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-24
Updated: 2014-03-24
Packaged: 2018-01-16 21:52:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1363039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rethira/pseuds/Piglet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So, you accidentally married the Devil.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Twenty Steps

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [婚後生活指南](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3351629) by [reflux](https://archiveofourown.org/users/reflux/pseuds/reflux)



> yeah i got no idea

_So, you accidentally married the Devil._

_First of all,_ don’t panic _. That happens to a lot of us, really. What can I say, there are a lotta devils and a lotta people looking to get married. So don’t panic; you’re not alone._

_Okay, maybe you’re a little alone, because no-one else has married the actual Devil, but we’re trying to bring you a sense of unity here, so let’s just ignore that._

_Not panicking? Good. Here are some helpful hints to get you through this trying situation._

 

_~~1.~~ 2\. Don’t freak out and try to exorcise him._

“Sam, I’m hurt.”

“Go _away_!”

 

_3\. No seriously, calm the fuck down._

“Sam, this isn’t helping. Please take deep, calming breaths. Hyperventilating will only get you a trip to the emergency room.”

“Shut up!”

 

_4\. When you’re sufficiently calm, have a nice mature discussion about your new relationship with Lucifer, The Adversary, Angel of the Great Cage, Prince of this World and Destroyer._

__“There is _no way_ this is legally binding! You aren’t even a person!”

“I’m very hurt you’d say that, Sam. I may not be human, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings.”

 

_5\. Try to resist insulting the Devil to his face._

__“Now, Sam. I know you don’t really mean that.”

“Like hell I don’t.”

 

_6\. If in doubt, allow the Adversary to make you culturally appropriate breakfast foods._

__“Pancakes. You made me pancakes.”

“Yes, Sam, please do keep up.”

 

_7\. Attempt small talk over a culturally acceptable breakfast drink._

__“So does this mean the Apocalypse is over?”

“I wouldn’t go quite that far yet, dear.”

 

_8\. Reconsider contacting concerned family members until you’re sure the Devil won’t maim them._

__“Seriously if you hurt Dean all bets are off, Satan or no Satan.”

“Honestly, Sam, I’d never hurt anyone you cared for.”

 

_9\. Reconsider contacting the Devil’s concerned family members until you’re sure they won’t maim him._

__“Good morning, Castiel.”

“Good morning.... brother.”

“Fuck my life.”

 

_10\. Watch emotionally scarring home videos with your newly acquired significant other before viewing with concerned family members; this will save everyone a lot of embarrassment in the long run._

“WHAT THE HELL, MAN?”

“Oh my _god_.”

“I have told you previously that He will not respond-”

“Shh, we’re just getting to the good bit.”

 

_11\. Discussion of divorce may potentially irritate and enrage the Devil, and is heartily discouraged._

“No.”

“Is that it? Just _no_?”

 

_12\. Pointing out the legalities of your situation probably won’t help._

“This isn’t even legal in most states!”

“I don’t really care.”

 

_13\. Talking about who was inside who is never going to end well._

__“This isn’t a conversation I want to be having!”

“You were very nice, Sam. I could get used to this way of possessing you.”

 

_14\. When demons/angels/mythological creatures inevitably interrupt your honeymoon, consider allowing the Destroyer to well, destroy._

__“That was gross.”

“Seriously, dude, I am never getting corpse out of my hair.”

“It was remarkably efficient, however.”

“I told you nothing would harm you, Sam.”

 

_15\. Get used to dragging the Devil’s lazy ass all over the world._

__“Seriously, can’t you just-”

“Of course I can, Sam, but this is more fun.”

 

_16\. If the Apocalypse is averted because of this whole charade, throw a party! Don’t invite Michael._

__“Okay, no, the last time I got drunk I woke up naked and married to _Satan_ , so put the tequila _away_.”

“There is no party in your _soul_ , Sammy.”

“I assure you, I more than adequately make up for the lack of ‘party’ in Sam’s soul.”

“I do not think they will find that comforting.”

 

_17\. Consider rewarding good behaviour. Punishing him obviously didn’t work, after all._

__“Ugh, he’s making the face. Cas, make him stop making the face.”

“I feel that Sam is justified in ‘making the face’ in this case.”

“I am _not_ putting out for _Lucifer_.”

“Oh. That _is_ a shame.”

 

_18\. Get used to extremely possessive (and often petulant) behaviour._

“They tried to _mark_ you.”

“Yeah, thanks, I’m not too thrilled about it either.”

 

_19\. Remember that he’s still the Devil, even if he does un-ironically wear bunny rabbit slippers sometimes._

__“I’m not dealing with this.”

“Suit yourself, Sam.”

 

_20\. Make absolutely certain you never, ever tell the Devil you love him. You’ll never lose him if you do._

__“I don’t need you to say it, Sam.”

“Great. Awesome. I’m going back to bed now.”

**Author's Note:**

> I headcanon the book as being written by Gabriel. It turns up unexpectedly on Sam's pillow one day, and includes useful tips such as _Bondage: When to Just Say No_ and _So Your Significant Other's True Form Will Burn Your Eyes Out of Your Skull_.


End file.
